Thank you that you are always trustworthy...

I arrive jet lagged, sleep deprived and happy. I made it. I have no idea how it happened apart from God. When He told me I was going to Jackson I submitted, I said 'Yes, sir', I said my life is in your hands, I said you will have to get me there. I said your will not mine. He did it through His ways and in His splendour. I loved being in the midst of a miracle. He is worth my every 'Yes.'

I arrived knowing what I was walking into, being a missionary is no holiday. It's not the glamour you see in the selfies on Instagram, but the videos shown from Oxfam. I can't watch those anymore as it's so real I can smell it. I walked into this 'yes' with the realisation that I still hold fear of seeing unjust sights, and it's so ugly, I don't want any part of it. The fear has the power to stop me being part of God bringing the light in the dark if I let it. I have the choice every day to walk in paralyzing fear or perfect love. The difference is that when I walk in His love I see His miracles and mercy through the injustice and hurt. I see the chains breaking around those who didn't even know they had them, and those who did. I see hearts softening and tumors disappearing. All I see when I sit still in fear are walls going up and my eyes not seeing those eyes of fire that hold all hope.

One Sunday I helped with the children's program. This involved my picking some of the children up from their home. I sat in the bus trying to take in the route my fellow missionary was taking, looking at the houses and street names. I took in the condition the houses were in and the amount of rubbish that was thrown around. I saw the cracked windows and falling down roof tops that large families live in without aircon for the summer or heating for the winter. These were next door to the burnt out abandoned houses that now only house rats and cockroaches. We drove down each street inviting those we knew to church. Only a couple came that Sunday. We got to church and walked in during worship. One little boy wanted to steal a bungee cord that was left from the bus so we had to make sure that was kept in the bus before he got out. No shouting was done and we made it light hearted but that didn't stop the pouting lip and the paddy on the floor. My friend drove the bus into a driveway and I was left to deal with this angry child. I work with children, I'm used to this. However because I was walking in fear at that moment, learning to focus on those eyes of fire, getting pruned by my loving heavenly father, everything in me wanted to sit on that floor next to him and pout. I had to hold it together and follow him as he tried to run away from my words of reason.

I followed him to to the portaloos and sat outside them while he messed around in them. I prayed. I talked to God about the fact that he is choosing to sit in a stinky hot toilet right now, over a bungee cord. He revealed that I choose that many times too. I may not physically be in the stinky hot toilet but in my heart I am choosing the ugly, hot stinky mess. I call those moments, the glow stick moment.

Someone once prophesied over me that I was a glow stick that needed to be broken before it could glow.

That was my glow stick day.

You read the psalms and you look at the way David poured out His heart in prayer and worship, talking about his weakness and God's strength and goodness. Psalm 25 particularly shows how much David was holding onto God in his trust for Him. Through all the ugliness that we can walk in through our weakness, He prunes and shows us the right way. 'He confides on those who fear him;' says verse 14. I want that! I don't want to loose the perfect love that casts out all fear by trying to run away from the hard stuff and ending up in the metaphorical stinky hot toilet. I want to walk in His perfect love and fear Him, gaining wisdom and walking in purity.

I think every fear I had of becoming a missionary again has come up in these last four weeks, yet God has not let me dwell in them. He has been delivering me and showing me the ugly stuff I carried without knowing it. The way I easily react in fear and anger and want to have a paddy on the floor from one second of remembrance of past trauma. Remembering those times I walked in fear and no good fruit came out of it. My good father is not going to let me go down that path again.

Being pruned can hurt. The battles can push you around. But to go out in battle without the armour of God leaves scars and bruises. It is foolish.

So as I get up daily, learning to put my amour of God on and leave it on. Learning to lean on Him when the unjust stuff hurts. Learning not to run away from His kind words to a stinky hot toilet. Learning to love the one in front of me as He is loving me so well right now, in this moment.

When I am walking through the waters, once getting out the boat, I need to look at the one who is Holy and not look at the storm around me.

I have to leave the country at the end of October for a new visa. This process should only take two weeks but prayers for favour and finances for the second flight plus visa fees would be great! Prayers for me to stay focused on Him in it all. I also need to have all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, which is a scary prospect for me so prayers that it goes well and I recover quickly.

Thank you to all of you that have kept in touch and prayed for me this last month. I have learnt so much, seen so much, poured out so much and taken in so much. May this next month be an even greater adventure.